January: I don't know what to do...I'm so scared but I can't even begin to feel and verbalize how terrified I actually am.

February: I love this so much!!!!

March: Beneath the harsh theater lights we sat on the floor as the music swirled around us, moving us to sway to the beat of the trumpet, the guitars, the bass, the drums.


April: Fuck yeah!!!

May: Fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him fuck him!!! I like that contrast....

June: According to my school's (Uarts) system, I am a guy.
SURPRISE!!!!

July: So, I have been playing with the idea of submitting a game for camp and this is the small teaser I've come up with.

August: Once, a very long time ago, on a night very much like tonight, two children were born.

September: I cried when I got home this morning and cuddled with my cat.

November: So I bruised my coccyx (tailbone) really badly.

December: Merry Christmas! Fuck Doctor Devil! The last two...WOW. Just...WOWWWWW!

Merry Christmas! Fuck Doctor Devil!
I had my piano final today... the teacher didn't even give me a chance. It's as if she already knew what grade she was going to give me.
She hates me. I know it and everyone else in the class knows it as well. It kinda sucks.
I worked really hard for this final and she didn't even acknowledge it. She kept telling me to hurry up and get it over with. FUCK YOU, DOCTOR "DEVIL" DIMEDIO!!!
It's Christmas since I'm officially on Winter Break! Yeah!!
Tonight celebrating with her peeps at the Hookah bar!

So I bruised my coccyx (tailbone) really badly. So bad in fact that the doctor pulled me out of school for three days and insists that I lie on my side, pillow in between my legs, and not do anything else....
I hurt, I'm bored, I miss human interaction and it's only been one day.
I don't even know how this all happened. One day it just started hurting and it kept on getting progressively worse. I can't sleep, I can't sit without being in incredible pain and I cannot walk without feeling like my legs are going to give in.
C'est la vie.

</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2" align="center" valign="middle" style="background-color:rgb(255, 255, 255);padding:0px">

</td></tr><tr><td colspan="2">Back in Black and White Photo Challenge
Brickfish</td></tr><tr><td></td><td align="right" valign="top" style="padding-top:4px"></td></tr></tbody></table> so I'm poor and need money so everyone should vote for this picture so I have a chance of winning the scholarship thingy...LOVE!</div></div></div></div></td></tr></tbody></table></div>

Question: Would it be really lame if I stapled CAUTION tape onto a dress and said that I was "Caution" for Halloween. If you answered yes, consider this next question: Would it still be lame if I used that same costume but was actually a Crime Scene for Halloween?
Thank you and have a nice day.
<3

As some of you may know,on monday the Phillies advanced to the NBL World Championships. To be honest..that night was the best night I've experienced while living in Philly.
I have been feeling pretty bad lately, maybe it's the Fall blues because it seems to be a traditional "I feel like shit" time of the year for me...so for me to watch the game with good friends and then wandering out into the streets....It was scary at first but once I made it to Broad street, there was so much love everywhere! Strangers were hugging strangers, people were crying (a bit overdramatic, but just go with it!) and I haven't been that happy in a very long time. I ran up and down broad street with my friends who were giddy and screaming for joy. We ran to City Hall and I hugged a police officer who just laughed and screamed "Go Philles!!!". After I hugged him some stupid asshole lit a joint right by the popo and they ended up taking him down and arresting him (kind of a downer. No?) and then Rob, Alexandra and I raced back down Broad street until we got to South Street. The Entire area was shut down from cars driving and people were packed in shoulder to shoulder on the streets laughing and dancing. It was glorious.
As I have previously stated, I've been pretty down lately. To the point where I wanted to drop out of college and move home. That night reminded me who I was, what I love and why I am here at school in the city of brotherly love. It made me remember what it was like to be happy. :)
For now I'm off to make Pesto Chicken with my boo boo Andrew from down the hall (a.k.a my mommy and good friend) and then later I'm going to see a production of Follies with Rob and Alexandra. After Follies, I'll be hosting a radio show with the two plus Alex's roommate and then a midnight Pancake Pajama Party. It's going to be a good night.
Much love to all and hugs!
~ Taytay

My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
dreamlesleep goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as Velma from Scooby Doo.
backshadow gives you 1 blue watermelon-flavoured pieces of taffy.
colin_mchatter tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
dreamlesleep gives you 3 blue passionfruit-flavoured jawbreakers.
gheofabulousduk tricks you! You lose 2 pieces of candy!
harlekino gives you 18 yellow chocolate-flavoured pieces of taffy.
ladytapestry tricks you! You lose 4 pieces of candy!
mageofbouldroth gives you 12 teal strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
mjgv gives you 15 teal banana-flavoured nuggets.
monstertang gives you 5 purple mint-flavoured gummy worms.
monstevr tricks you! You lose 1 pieces of candy!
dreamlesleep ends up with 46 pieces of candy.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

Well, I am not shocked at all by who tricked me...

...when I got home this morning and cuddled with my cat.
I've been choked up all day long.
If I cried when I cuddled with my cat there is a 90% chance that I will cry when I see some good friends tomorrow night.
There is also a 75% chance that I won't want to go back to school on sunday.
This sad weather walks hand in hand with missing people.

According to my school's (Uarts) system, I am a guy.
SURPRISE!!!!
So, now I am being assigned a new dorm and a new roommate.... The tension is killing me. I'm kind of pissed that this entire time that I've been in contact with the school, they have thought that I was man.
I'm not a manly man!!!

(I was kind of insulted by this but I wanted to show everyone what the creator of this survey considers bad. As such, I will total the number at the end of each section ((because it is relevant to my final answer)) but I won't check those which apply to me. )

HAVE YOU:

[ ] smoked.
[ ] consumed alcohol
[ ] slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex
[ ] slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
[ ] kissed someone of the same sex
[ ] had sex
[ ] had someone in your room other than family
[ ] watched porn
[ ] bought porn
[ ] tried drugs

TOTAL: 8


[ ] taken painkillers
[ ] taken someone else's prescription medicine
[ ] lied to your parents
[ ] lied to a friend
[ ] snuck out of the house
[ ] done something illegal
[ ] felt hurt
[ ] hurt someone
[ ] wished someone to die
[ ] seen someone die

TOTAL: 17


[ ] missed curfew
[ ] stayed out all night
[ ] eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself
[ ] been to a therapist
[ ] received a ticket
[ ] been to rehab
[ ] dyed your hair
[ ] been in an accident
[ ] been to a club
[ ] been to a bar

TOTAL: 25


[ ] been to a wild party
[ ] been to a Mardi Gras parade
[ ] drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night
[ ] had a spring break in Florida
[ ] sniffed anything
[ ] wore black nail polish
[ ] wore arm bands
[ ] wore t-shirts with band names
[ ] listened to rap
[ ] owned a 50 Cent CD

TOTAL: 32

[ ] dressed gothic
[ ] dressed girly
[ ] dressed punk
[ ] dressed grunge
[ ] stole something
[ ] been too drunk to remember anything
[ ] blacked out
[ ] fainted
[ ] had a crush on a neighbor

TOTAL: 40

[ ] had a crush on a friend
[ ] been to a concert
[ ] dry-humped someone
[ ] been called a slut
[ ] called someone a slut
[ ] installed speakers in a car
[ ] broken a mirror
[ ] showered at someone of the opposites sex's house
[ ] brushed your teeth with someone else's toothbrush

TOTAL: 46

[ ] considered Ludacris your favorite rapper
[ ] seen an R-rated movie in theater
[ ] cruised the mall
[ ] skipped school (but not like THAT. I had legitimate excuses)
[ ] had surgery
[ ] had an injury
[ ] gone to court
[ ] walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping
[ ] caught something on fire
[ ] Lied about your age

TOTAL: 54

[ ] owned/rented an apartment/house
[ ] broke the law in the police's presence
[ ] made out with someone who had a GF/BF
[ ] got in trouble with the police
[ ] talked to a stranger
[ ] hugged a stranger
[ ] kissed a stranger
[ ] rode in the car with a stranger
[ ] been harassed
[ ] been verbally harassed

TOTAL: 62


[ ] met face-to-face with someone you met online
[ ] stayed online for 5+ hours straight
[ ] talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight
[ ] watched TV for 5 hours straight
[ ] been to a fair
[ ] been called a bad influence
[ ] drank and drove
[ ] prank-called someone
[ ] laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex
[ ] cheated on a test

TOTAL: 70



If You Have Less Than 10.. write [I'm a Goody Goody]
If You Have More Than 10.. write [I'm still a goody goody]
If You Have more Than 20..write [I'm average]
If You Have More Than 30..write [I'm a bad kid]
If You have more than 40..write [I'm a very bad influence]
If You Have more than 50..write [I'm a horrible person]
If You Have more than 60..write [I should be in jail]
If You Have more than 70..Write [I should be dead]

What the fuck?! I should be dead?! Well, thats fucking fantastic.
I mean.. dying ones hair is so life threatening.
Feeling hurt, wore black nail polish, wore arm bands, wore t-shirts with band names, listened to rap, owned a 50 Cent CD.... Really? Really?!
Dressed girly? HAD A CRUSH ON A NEIGHBOR?!?!?!?!?! I mean... that's pretty terrible.
I'm pissed off.
But I'm graduating tomorrow, which will be good.

Fuck yeah!!!

I also got a banging scholarship!
$30,000 over the 4 years!

If you can't tell I'm really ecstatic!

I was feeling really bad about everything because I was first rejected from Lawrence Conservatory and then Oberlin Conservatory...It sucked.

And even before that my pre-screening cd was rejected from the Boston Conservatory and I wasn't even "good enough" to have a live audition...

It has been really rough the past few months and I honestly didn't know how much more I could take. I always felt that I had bad luck..and now my bad luck is turning around!

All I have to say to that is that it's about fucking time!!!

<3

1. be an extra in a movie. ((I could live without this))
2. see a green iceberg.
3.travel at warp speed.
4. rent an apartment in scotland.
5. travel around the world.
6. get lost in foreign country.
7.reconstruct a dinosaur (yes i'm serious)
8.crush a beer can with one hand.
9.give a taxi driver some advice.
10.learn swahili.
11.ride an ostrich.
12. be on broadway ( across the universe? yes, please)((I could live without this))
13.be a pirate. ((I'm already there))
14.own a duck.his name will be ping.
15. get my license. ((DONE!))
16. reach 21 without any DUI under my belt. ((That won't be a problem because I'm afraid of driving! Phew!))
17. send a complete stranger a 'thank you' card. ((I havee))
18.go to liverpool.
19.change my name.
20.go night swimming in the rain. ((There wasn't any lightening, I swear.))
21. get my entire body covered in henna tattoo's.
22.run through an open fire hydrant.
23.learn the 'rocky horror picture show' by heart. (i'm so close!)
24.be woddy allen's therapist (if he doesn't die first).
24.suprise someone with swedish fish. ((Haha! I did that!))
25.own a pair of bright red rain boots. ((Does purple count?))
26. own a flat in nyc over a chinese resterant.
27. learn how to spell.haha
28. travel with my friends.
so there you go. i'll be adding to the list as time goes on. oh wait one more..
28. get a good grade in a science class (mr.haut i'm talking about your class.preferably this year...like now..) ((Hahahaha!! He is sitting two seats down from me in the computer lab right now!! If he only knew I was blogging....))


And I'm adding stuff!!

29. Get into college. ((Oh, look! I already did that! Ha, to myself! ))
30. Make it out of this plague ridden school.
31. Tell James Corkum that I'm glad that I'm not in the musical.
32. Get a tattoo...or rather get the nerve to get one.
33. Be in the opera's "Tosca", "The Magic Flute" and "Romeo and Juliet".
34. Watch all of Dr.Who.
35. Get a job.
36. Be happy with the job I get.
37. Learn how to play the piano /well/.
38. Learn how to speak French, Italian, Spanish and Gaelic. ((The first three because of the career I'm pursuing and the last one because that would be wicked rad!!!!))

I don't know what to do...I'm so scared but I can't even begin to feel and verbalize how terrified I actually am.
Connor has a tumor in his spinal cord.
In 7 hours he will be on the surgery table and doctors will try to remove the tumor.
I keep imagining the worst possible things which could possibly happen in my mind about it and it scares me so much.
I love my brother so much...I don't know what I would do without him.
If I were to lose him....


I need to go to bed but I won't be able to sleep...but when I sleep I don't think about anything.
Maybe that's the only way I'll be able to get out of my head and not think of the worst things in life...

Goodnight.
Think of him when you go to sleep..even if you have never seen him.
Just think of him and pray that he is going to be alright.

These past few weeks have been kind of rough on me.
It's not that I'm unhappy at school, it's just that I can't seem to be able to live normally ( that is a very loose term) without having anyone from Wayfinder there with me.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my small group of WFE players ( *AHEM* Miss Penny Weber, the Lady Tapestry ( soon to be an official player of the Way) and the ever fashionable McAloon) but I still feel like I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time. My friends are wonderful and I couldn't ask for more brilliant, amazing, loving friends but it isn't the same. My body is stuck in Pennsylvania while my mind is off in some distant land fighting the evil Beasts of Lathum with foam swords or something along those lines.
Every turn I take I hope to see the friendly face of someone from Home but all I see are angry people who drop their gaze and refuse to make eye contact.
I thrive when I'm around finders of the way and here...I just don't feel the same.
I feel as if I am completely lost and alone.
I need to have someone sleep with me at night! I hate sleeping in a bed by myself now due to the fact that the entire summer I at least had one or more people in the same bed as me!
I just..I miss you.
I miss you all so much.

When I was young I recall having nightmares and dreams so vivid I felt like I was really living them. I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to take the images and stories in my head anymore. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. At the time I just couldn't handle them. Then the dreaming faded from my mind. I couldn't sleep, not because of the dreams, but because I couldn't recall the dreams anymore. I felt so out of place because I would wake up every morning unable to picture the images in my head during the night. I couldn't feel the intensity of being caught in the dream world ( though terrifying, the feeling of dreaming was now more important then being scared and wanting to be free of the terrors).

Then the daydreams started.

I have always daydreamed but until maybe last year they had just been silly fantasies and such.

But then there was a change.

The daydreams began to morph from day to day.

No longer did I just think of silly things in my daydreaming.
I would be sitting there when an entire story would appear before my eyes causing me to be in such a trance that I wouldn't move, or want to move, until the story came to a close.
I don't know why I can't remember my dreaming all I know is that my daydreams are slightly more intense due to the fact that I can't focus on my night dreaming. Which, in the end, I appreciate.

Yesterday in the bus ride coming back from my classes Zoology trip to Hermit Island, Maine, I had this crazy daydream. It was one of those daydreams where I just didn't want to "wake up". I constantly would space out just so that I could see the story unfold in front of my open eyes. I spent hours just looking out the window not really seeing the trees and cars speed by.

I dreamed that I went on some trip with people ( it changed as the dream went on) to some exotic tribal island. We were captured by the natives all wearing blood and henna over their golden brown bodies. Out of the group I was chosen by the Chief to be the Moon sacrifice due to my sun colored eyes ( I think this is somewhat related to a discussion I had the other day with Penny and Tappy about how my eyes were the same color as my hair). And as I looked around I saw that every single native had brilliant blue grey eyes representing the water and the night. I was taken away from my group of people. I saw their shocked, scared faces because we all knew that and they were about to be killed. I recall feeling so scared. I couldn't let them die. So I begged the Natives to let my friends free because if I could save them and hadn't said anything I wouldn't be able to handle their death on my conscience. The Chief agreed and I, as I watched everyone leave, became confused and sad because my friends didn't seem to care that I was about to die. Their smiles and joyous cries filled the air and I felt so lost. My friends didn't care. I just felt like they would live their lives and I wouldn't have been more then a strange hallucination in their mind.

The air was thick with moisture and I felt sick in the pit of my empty stomach. I knew I was going to die. I knew it. Young women wearing nothing but shreds of earth colored cloth surrounded me and began to prepare me for the sacrifice. Blood red henna was painted on my white skin and the exotic designs seemed to illuminate my already pale skin. I was led out of the room into the bright sunlight. I can't really remember where or to what I was bound to but I can recall the feeling of the rope burning my body due to the friction of the knots against my back. There was a ritual but I can't remember the details. Then I was cast away into a dark cell with one small window facing the rising moon. I was to be sacrificed when the henna faded in the dead of night.

I can vividly remember the sadness I felt as I curled up on the cold floor. I began to sing and my voice carried every painful emotion, every tear and every laugh I had experienced into the blue black darkness. I was so alone. So cold.
Then someone came in the door. I don't know who it was but his dark skin seemed to be black smooth and his clear blue/white eyes penetrated my soul. He didn't say anything. All he did was grab my hand, lead me out the door and lead me into another dark, stuffy room. Incense filled my nostrils and I suddenly felt dizzy and light headed. Women hunched over from old age bathed my body in oils, scrubbing the henna off my skin. They then began to cry and wail and sing with words I have never heard before. I fell. Fell into a world of light and water.

I woke up. It was as if years had passed ( literally). New designs, now in a dark red tattoo over my entire body ( starting with spirals and triangles on the palms of my feet reaching up my legs, around my hips and torso reaching up to my arms up to my neck. The design intensified as the smooth ink twirled and painted new images on my face), covered my aged skin. I was naked on a beach in the dead of night. I was an old woman now.

I looked down at my body, as if I were floating about myself, and I saw the woman half in dream and half in reality, smile as a tear fell down her wrinkled skin.


I was talking to Penny this morning about my dream. She made me realize that maybe my daydreaming wasn't so bad. I have always thought that I was missing out on the whole dreaming in my sleep. Now, I just want to fall into another daydream. I think I'm ready for another adventure.

(( I'm sorry if these aren't polished cause they really aren't.))

---------------------
I am alone in a sea of words
The rain falls all too slow
And the pulsing beat of that smooth jazz
Falls short after too many attempts
I am blown over
Tumbling in the chaos of clear color
Heads spin as fear and hate
Come and collapse into the puddle forming on the floor
I am not in that puddle
I am floating above the masses and soaring
I am better then the raindrops
I am not the thunderstorm
The hurricane which will bring me down
Is sucked into empty space
And I dip and glide over the daisies
Embracing that which I am
I am no thunderstorm
Your tsunami cannot break me
I am above that
No longer am I the dust in your lungs
To be exhaled only to be brought back when you breath
Breath in
Breath out
The quiet quartet begins to play
Silken silence
Shadows flicker on the glass wall
And all those violet lies build and build and are about to burst
But that isn't my shade anymore.
I prefer blues
The Iris' fade and my pupils grow accustomed
To the bright morning
You try to suck me in but now you are bitter to my lips
I will not succumb to the silence before the storm
I will not be swept away along with the tide
I just want to listen to my new smooth jazz
To sit and watch the sun rise on my new horizon

------------------------

I am afraid to sink into the water
It is so inviting and satisfying
The feeling is constantly haunting me
I am afraid that it will pull me in
Headfirst into its arms
For I won't be able to swim
I can't swim
Swimming is prohibited
Cool waves are grabbing for me pale feet
Teasing me with sweet words
I might fall
I am falling
I need to hold on to dry land
To keep me from swaying
kneeling
shivering
trembling
Before the waves
But it is forbidden
STOP
DANGER
But I want to dance in the water
To twirl and collapse breathless
In the folds of salt and foam
I want to feel the need to get a breath
The need to be supported by the oceans cupped hands
To caress every drop of water
And feel the sea give back a little more
I want to feel
I want to be felt
I want to go swimming

And they are so confusing!
At one moment they like me, another moment they hate me?! 

I haven't done anything wrong, i know i haven't done anything wrong..then why are they acting the way they are?

why couldn't everything just make sense for a change

it would make my life a whole lot easier.

i am so confused right now! i was so insanily happy and then *beep* everything was shattering all around me. right now is a great time to write some dark poetry or to scream at the top of my lungs but i can't because people are sleeping. sleep is wanting me to come but i refuse! i'm tired of it all! all the drama, crying, people! just leave me alone. i've left the place i truly think is my home and now i feel so alone.